I’ve read the four Gospels, Matthew, Mark, Luke and John innumerable times since I was a child. I’ve always tried to take the words of Jesus to my heart and I always find something new and enlightening in them.

A few years ago I started listening to James Earl Jones as he reads the Bible, more specifically as he proclaims Jesus’ words in Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. Jones had a powerful sonorous baritone voice with a deep commanding vocal quality.

I found that James Earl Jones gave the words of Jesus a “gravitas” quality.  At times Jesus’ words sounded soothing, satisfying and inspiring. But many times the words of Jesus sounded demanding, foreboding and threatening to me. I have felt that I have needed to hear the tone of Jesus’ voice.

No matter how many times I read the words of Jesus, I could never pick up the TONE OF HIS VOICE. As I listen to James Earl Jones proclaim the words of Jesus, it has given me a whole new understanding of what Jesus was trying to teach me by listening to the TONE of his voice.

I recently came upon an article by Mark Travers, PhD,  a psychologist who specializes in relationships. He believes that TONE can matter more than what you say……

Here is what Mark Travers says —

When people ask me what couples fight about the most, they expect the usual suspects like money, sex or parenting. But after years of research, and from real-life experience in my own marriage, the answer is much simpler: tone of voice.

That’s right. It’s not the dishes in the sink or the unpaid credit card bill. It’s how partners speak to each other about those things that creates tension.

Tone can matter more than what you say

It only takes a subtle shift in tone — a sigh, an eye-roll, or a sharp edge in your voice — for a simple question like “Did you take out the trash?” or “Sure, whatever you say…” to land like an accusation.

Research backs this up: One study found that when we interpret messages, only a small portion comes from the actual words. The rest? It’s all nonverbal: facial expressions, body language, and especially tone.

When we argue with someone we love, tone tends to dominate because it carries emotional weight. A clipped delivery can sound like blame. A flat one might feel like indifference. Sarcasm can come across as contempt.

We often don’t remember the exact words said in a fight. But we do remember how our partner sounded and how it made us feel.

If you’re the one with the sharp tone…

We all slip up. When we’re tired, stressed, or distracted, our tone can betray our actual intentions.

The fix is to catch yourself in real time. If you notice your voice is harsher than intended, pause. Then, try these simple repair moves: 

• “Sorry, I didn’t mean for that to come out so sharp. Let me say it differently.”
• “I realize that sounded a lot harsher than what I intended. What I’m trying to say is…”
• “Hold on, I don’t like how that came out. Let me try that again.”

It doesn’t need to be dramatic, but you should be honest. That means calling yourself out instead of pretending nothing happened. With practice, this honesty becomes easier: You build the muscle by noticing your slip-ups, owning them quickly, and then rephrasing. 

These small adjustments show your partner that you’re self-aware, and it can stop an argument before it snowballs.

If you’re on the receiving end…

When your partner’s tone turns sharp, it’s natural to mirror it. But doing that often leads to a blame spiral about how you’re fighting, instead of resolving the actual issue.

The key is to interrupt the cycle without escalating it. Try saying:

• “I didn’t like the way that sounded. Can you say it a different way?”
• “I want to hear you out, but your tone is making that difficult for me right now. Can you try again?”
• “I get that you’re frustrated, but can you explain that a little more calmly?”

No accusations. No defensiveness. Just a simple nudge toward better communication.

When both of you are stuck in a bad tone loop

Sometimes, both partners fall into the tone trap. One person gets defensive, the other responds with more edge. Soon, you’re both in a reactive back-and-forth.

The only way out? Someone has to be brave enough to hit the reset button.

I call it a “reset phrase.” This could be:

• “Let’s start over.”
• An inside joke.
• A nonverbal gesture like a hand squeeze.

In my marriage, sometimes my wife will laugh and say, “Listen to us. We sound like teenagers.” Other times, I’ll make a joke and suggest we take a breather. These resets don’t erase the disagreement, but they do defuse the tone, allowing for a more productive conversation.

Mark Travers, PhD, is a psychologist who specializes in relationships. He holds degrees from Cornell University and the University of Colorado Boulder. He is the lead psychologist at Awake Therapy, a telehealth company that provides online psychotherapy, counseling, and coaching. He is also the curator of the popular mental health and wellness website, Therapytips.org. This appeared on CNBC, October 5, 2025.

What effect is the “tone of YOUR voice” having on YOUR relationships?  When YOU have the chance, listen to James Earl Jones read Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.

WE CAN’T EMBRACE GOD’S FORGIVENESS IF WE ARE SO BUSY CLINGING TO PAST WOUNDS AND NURSING OLD GRUDGES.

Do share today’s Message with couples that you know.